Eight Days as Miss Saigon (part 1 of 2: or, why you should gear up to be culture-shocked in Vietnam)

Actually, I wasn't really Miss Saigon, since all we saw in Saigon was the airport, it being the only direct link between Vietnam and the Philippines. Since I started planning our Vietnam trip around four years ago, I had been wondering Ho Chih Minh City was worth a visit. The books never seemed to say anything really interesting about it; no one I knew who visited the city gushed about it; and finally, Insight Guides convinced me that if I had only 8 days, then I could very well afford to skip the South.

ASIDE: I love Lonely Planet books for their comprehensiveness. I've pieced together a couple of Southeast Asia do-it-yourself travel itineraries using these books alone. But for all their detail, they don't really tell you what's worth seeing and what's not. In contrast, Insight Compact Guides by Discovery Channel aren't too detailed, but have lots of pictures. More importantly, they assign ratings to attractions, ranging from "absolutely must see" to "nice to see" -- making them a great complement to Lonely Planet, and useful in prioritizing activities and designing itineraries.

And so we flew to Saigon -- me using a trip voucher I had gotten simply by agreeing to be bumped off a flight to Singapore earlier this year, James using Mabuhay Miles that I had earned -- then on to Hue, Vietnam's one-time imperial capital and site of a handful of emperors' tombs, that same afternoon. We spent two nights in Hue, then took a 3.5-hour bus ride down to Hoi An, a 16th century port town with distinct Chinese influence, abundant shopping opportunities, and nearby 10th century ruins. We spent two nights in Hoi An, then took a 1-hour ride to Danang and flew from there to Hanoi, Vietnam's oldest city and capital. We spent three nights (taking a day trip to Halong Bay inbetween) before flying back to Saigon, and onwards to Manila.

So, what to think, sitting at home and looking back? Memories are still fresh, of the stress of Hanoi's street crossings; the cacophony of the Vietnamese language; the enchanting flavors of strange herbs and spices; the sights and sounds of markets and shops; and the feeling of a motorbike between my legs. Vietnam is by far the strangest place I've visited -- not strange "weird", but strange "unfamiliar" -- so much so that I would use the often-abused word "exotic" for it. It's farther from the world I know than anywhere else I've ever been -- making it captivating on one hand, and shocking on the other.

I had originaly intended to "chapterize" my blog entries on Vietnam -- in fact, I had already thought up six full-length chapters -- but realized, who'd want to read six full-length blog entries? I, for one, wouldn't. So, in consideration of my readers' attention span, instead of full-length blogs I'm just writing a couple of concise (well, hopefully concise) lists.



VIETNAM LIST NUMBER ONE: FIVE SHOCKERS. Originally this list was going to be titled, "Ten reasons Vietnam is screwed up." But I changed it to "five shockers" for two reasons: first, though there are things about Vietnam that will stretch the limits of your patience and /or have you bitching your whole trip and / or have you rolling your eyes, it's all just culture-shock because the place is so different -- and you can choose whether to hate it, or to be fascinated by it. And second, I couldn't think of ten Vietnamese screw-ups anyway. In any case, consider this a warning to would-be travelers to Vietnam. Steel yourselves for what's to come.

SHOCKER # 1: THE STREETS OF HANOI. "Honda is Vietnam's biggest brand," I told James. On my first morning in Hue, I observed motorbike after motorbike going down the street, and wondered where they could all be going. Just when I thought Hue and Hoi An were motorbike-heavy (where, in fairness to motorists, motorbikes actually yielded to faster vehicles behind them), I got to Hanoi: a city with a literally endless stream of motorbikes, bicycles, motorbikes, cars, motorbikes, tourist vans, motorbikes, tourist buses, and did I mention motorbikes? I've nothing against motorbikes -- except that these motorbikes have no regard for pedestrians, or stoplights, or safety (no helmets here), or lanes. Where there's an opening, there they'll go -- never mind if it's meant for vehicles traveling in the opposite direction (which more often than not there are!). It makes crossing the street a challenge (and an interesting video game concept). Walking the sidewalks would be fun -- if there weren't rows and rows of motorbikes parked on the embakments, forcing you to step down onto the road and hope to God that you won't get sideswiped. As a passenger in a taxicab too, it's unbelievable how people abuse the car horn -- honking at every little thing, and sometimes, at nothing at all.

Hanoi by night. With a non-stop flow of motorbikes (where do they go??),
good luck crossing the street.

SHOCKER # 2: THE "VILLAGERS." Miss Manners that I am -- I put huge importance on pleases, thank yous, your welcomes, excuse mes, and I'm sorrys -- the Vietnamese (the ones I met, at least) were a huge shocker. You can stand in front of an airport ticket counter, or a theater box office, and the girl behind the counter or inside the box office won't just not acknowledge you're there -- she'll even chitchat on her phone. On the streets, people will matter-of-factly push you aside when you're in the way; and in the same way, those who block your way will step aside not at "excuse me" or even "excusez-moi", but at brute force -- and interestingly enough, they won't mind. In the airport, I helped a guy pull his suitcase off the luggage carousel, and he didn't even look at me; as an experiment, I "accidentally" elbowed him while he reached out for his next suitcase, again, interestingly enough, he didn't seem to mind. James was elbowed, jostled, pushed aside, and accidentally kicked by a girl mounting her motorbike -- no sorries at any time. Jumping queues is as casual as a stroll in the park. Order and service and courtesy are in such short supply among the people that Singaporeans would blush. But through it all, it's more shocking than it is infuriating. It's not rudeness -- "rudeness" is those damned Cantonese bitches in their Hong Kong night market stalls -- because it seems there's never any malice. Fascinatingly, somewhat like villagers whose city grew around them too fast, it's really just the way they are.

SHOCKER # 3: THE TOURIST-TRAPPERS. Since the communist party loosened its grip on the country only recently, tourism is fairly new to Vietnam -- and so is capitalism. So get ready for people who'll try to squeeze every dollar out of you the moment they spot your camera or city map. And it's more maddening here than anywhere else I've ever been -- at least in Thailand, they know what you mean when you firmly say, "No, I'm not interested in your sexy girls." Here, on every corner, motorbike drivers will wave at you and offer you a ride even after you've said no twice. In parks, peddlers sell toys, books, and won't leave you alone, apparently in the belief that purchase is driven by annoyance rather than need. In stores, salesladies will overprice whenever they can (is there anywhere else in the world where you have to haggle over bottled water??). And beware of travel agencies like An Phu who are more interested in making a buck than their tourists' comfort and convenience -- imagine a bus load of tourists groaning because the air conditioning has been turned off while waiting for the last few passengers to come! Or being barked at by some guy who just boarded your bus, to check out their hotel, even after you've told them you already have a booking elsewhere!

Beware of An Phu travel agency in Hue and Hoi An!
They don't care about your comfort and convenience --
all they want is to make a buck off you.

SHOCKER # 4: THE DISAPPOINTMENT. My urge to visit Hanoi came from a pantry conversation with an officemate eight years ago, who was gushing about the charms of Hanoi. It's like Paris, she had said, with French cafes and tree-lined streets and lakes. The travel guides strengthened my resolve to visit this Paris of the orient: "city of lakes and tree-shaded boulevards", "alluring", "charming", "Southeast Asia's most beautiful capital". Imagine my disappointment upon seeing the Hanoi lakes were murky green, with discarded plastic bags and mineral water bottles floating around in them; that boulevards were not only tree-lined, but motorbike-lined as well, so much so that the sidewalks vanished. Don't get me wrong -- there are astoundingly beautiful places. Lots of them. Just don't believe every photo will see.

Tortoise Stupa in Hanoi is photogenic by night -- but up close by day, the lake is murky green and lined with trash.

SHOCKER # 5: COMMUNICATION GAPS. On the funnier side, it's as if, with the dawn of tourism, the government taught all shopowners and motorbike drivers and cyclo drivers three simple words: "Where you from?" Indeed, it's asked everywhere. We'd answer, "Philippines." They'd say, blankly, "Aaaah..." Apparently, the cities we visited didn't get very many Pinoy visitors. (Although one of the more interesting moments of our trip was an afternoon in Hoi An, when a girl on a bicycle just pulled up in front of us and asked us the magic question. Thinking a bit, and deciding to have some fun, I replied, "Russia." She gave me a funny look and said, "No." I laughed and said, "Philippines." Then came the blank "Aaah..." I said, "You don't know where that is." And she said, "I do. Philippines." And went on to ask if she could see some Philippine money, which she had never seen before...) But on the darker side of Vietnamese communication gaps are major inconveniences. Arriving at the Hanoi airport for our flight back to HCMC, I had run out of Vietnamese Dong and was going to pay in US dollars, and tried explaining the exchange rate, but the driver spoke no English, either had flawed math or no integrity, grabbed every dollar or dong I showed him, and assaulted me with halitosis, until I shouted at him to give me back my money and just take $16 and VND2000, which was the right amount by his exchange rate, even if he insisted I give him more. Further, business communication with small hotels is apparently not as professional as you'd like -- the Hanoi hotel I had emailed said they would pick me up from the airport, but they weren't there when I arrived -- and when I called to ask about the pickup, she had the gall to get irritated and tell me to take a cab and she'd pay me back. Naturally, I took a cab -- and just went to another hotel.

Vietnam is a great place to just walk and walk and walk...
if only the sidewalks weren't congested with parked motorbikes.

So there: five warnings to anyone who intends to be a tourist in Vietnam. There's a whole lot that will leave you wide-eyed and drop-jawed with surprise -- just make sure you pack a sense of humor, so potential annoyances leave you fascinated rather than infuriated. After all, no tout or taxi driver, or polluted lake or number of motorbikes, will make me regret coming to this amazing, amazing country.

What makes this place so amazing? Check out Part 2 of this entry.